The Weight of the Wait

Hey there.  It's been a while, I know.  As you can probably guess, nothing happened for us in March.  *sigh*  That's okay, I really mean it.  About six months into this whole adoption process I was an expert "fit thrower" when things didn't happen as smoothly or fast as I felt it should go.  Ask Nate.  It wasn't pretty.  However, God in His grace and mercy in my life has changed me and I have grown by leaps and bounds.  I used to say things to God like, 

"Look, I'm not getting any younger here."  or
"This wasn't supposed to take this long, there's been a mistake."  or
"Um, God, maybe you didn't see my timeline.....I had the perfect plan!"  or
"Thanks a lot, I thought you cared about this child, what in the world are You doing?"  (Whew, I seriously hate admitting that last one.)

I'm not proud of those things but it's real and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only momma who has felt those things during the wait.  The Lord, in His goodness, has been carefully and lovingly working in me, especially when I've been the most resistant to give everything over to Him.  

I am one of those people that when I want something, I want it. Period.  I will become obsessive over it.  I think that once I have what I'm wanting, then I will be happy.  God has been showing me that He is my only source of Joy.  Yes, I knew it in my head and all the churchy stuff I've been taught all my life, but to really apply it and to really be experiencing true joy I had to see who I am in Him. I didn't just want to know it anymore, I wanted to live it and experience how He sees me.  During the Summit 9 conference at every breakout session and general session I heard how much the Lord delights in me.  Sounds simple, but God used those words to do something deep within me.  I can let go of my timeline for this adoption because my true, pure and lasting joy is the Lord.....and nothing will completely satisfy like God can.  Sure I still want this adoption to happen quickly, but if it had happened when I wanted it to, I'm not sure I could be the mother this little Haitian will need.  

God has done some serious cleaning house inside this momma.  It hurts, it's humbling and most importantly it's freeing.  My heart still aches for this little guy and sometimes the weight of the wait feels unbearable, but then I ask my Father to sustain me and nurture my soul and He always comes through.  

This little boy will walk through our front door at just the right moment, and not a moment too soon.  It will be scary, beautiful and adventurous and I'm thankful I'm not in charge!  

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.
Zeph. 3:17